


White Night

by Kraihunbaekyeolchen



Series: AngstCT [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Attempted Murder, Attempted Sexual Assault, Canon-Typical Violence, Cheating, Don't Like Don't Read, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Moon Taeil, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Harassment, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24741178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kraihunbaekyeolchen/pseuds/Kraihunbaekyeolchen
Summary: Jaehyun couldn't accept that his Doyoung is gone forever.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Series: AngstCT [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789027
Comments: 5
Kudos: 59





	White Night

**Author's Note:**

> GUYS THIS IS A REALLY ANGSTY AND DARK STORY don't like don't read ><

**"Baby! Come here! Look at the sea!"** Bright sunlight and heated environment surrounds Doyoung. Annoying sand on his butt and legs from sitting on the sand for a long time. Big, and heavy umbrella covering him from the blazing sun. 

Doyoung grins at his boyfriend, Jaehyun, the one on white that is now becoming translucent because of the water, Who is shouting while tackling Mark and Jungwoo on the sea. 

**"No way!! It's way too hot out there!!"** He shouted at his boyfriend while fixing his way too big shades. He just finished applying tons of moisturizer and different creams with spf in his body, but he still didn't want to risk it. God knows how red and sensitive his skin becomes after a long time under the sun.

He can see Jaehyun pouting then having a wrestling fight with Jungwoo. Mark, completely forgotten, is holding his dear life with Donghyuck who's trying to drown him. He giggled at the sight.

_'Ahh, life is good like this.'_ Doyoung thought.

Except, life is not always the way we want.

He was about to stand up to go to their rented Airbnb but a tall shadow and familiar voice stopped him **"Drinks?"** Just the sound of his voice makes Doyoung's mood drop. Oh, he knows this voice well. All too well.

he sighed and sat back at the sand again. **"Johnny I told you to stay away from me."** Doyoung said at the taller without thinking. He immediately regret his choice of words and for sounding rude but now is not the time to apologize.

**"Nothing's wrong with offering you a drink doie we're friends."** Johnny said mockingly and sat beside Doyoung under the big umbrella.

Doyoung sighed and distanced himself from Johnny like he is a disgusting being. **"Stop calling me that please, just don't come near me. I still want to fix this. We can still fix what we did. I don't want to ruin anything between Jae or me. Or to the both of you. You're still relatives for god's sake."** He feels sorry for being like this towards Johnny. Poor Johnny did nothing but care for him. He looked at Jaehyun who is still playing at the sea with their friends. 

**"I'm gonna head in"** Doyoung stood up and walked away from Johnny who's just staring at the abandoned drink he offered.

\---------------

Doyoung didn't know he is already inside the airbnb when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

**"Dons? Back so early? Thought you'd be skinny dipping?"**

Yuta, his bestfriend whom he met when they are still babies. He doesn't know what would happen to him without Yuta.

**"Well, me having a tan is a nightmare so, no."** Doyoung smiled weakly

**"Everything okay?"** Yuta asked worriedly to his bestfriend. Knowing Doyoung for years, Yuta already knows how he thinks. 

_'I wish.'_ Doyoung thought.

Doyoung chuckled and shakes his head, **"Of course! Always okay. I'm good. Just sleepy I guess?"**

Yuta, who didn't believe the lie, decided to let it go and grins **"That's good! I'm gonna rest a little bit too. Didn't sleep a blink last night."**

Both of them walked to Yuta's room and coddled themselves in the pillows. Half an hour flew but Doyoung still couldn't sleep.

**"I swear dons, one more toss and turn I would decapitate you."**

**"Sorry yu, did I wake you?"** Doyoung asked, looking at his back but only seeing Yuta's back who is under the covers.

**"No, just can't fall asleep because of your heavy thoughts"**

**"Sorry...."** Doyoung bit his lip for being guilty. 

_'Come on Doyoung, Yuta is tired and couldn't sleep because of you. Stop being annoying'_ Doyoung thought

**"..."** Yuta just sighed as an answer. Minutes passed, no one dared to talk but he is aware that Yuta is still awake.

Doyoung is nervous. He don't know why, but he just is. Weird as it may sound but, he thinks Yuta knows something.

**"Is it about them?"** Yuta asked. Doyoung's eyes widened but played innocent as he hugged the pillow tighter and answered **"about who?"**

**"You know who Doyoung."**

Doyoung bit his lip as he felt a tear streaming on his cheeks.

_'He did know.'_ Doyoung thought.

**"Since when?"** Doyoung asked. And as if Yuta knows what he is asking, he answered **"just last week, you were drunk. You do know you're quite chatty when you're wasted right?"**

**"I'm sorry..."** Doyoung said as he tried to stop a sob.

**"It's not me you should be sorry you know."**

**"D-did you....?"** Doyoung tried to ask but failed as he couldn't think of anything right to say at the moment. Mind overwhelmed with thoughts.

**"Did I tell them? No, I thought it would be better to let you do it."**

**"I'm sorry"** Doyoung bit his lip as he stared at his scar filled wrist.

**"Can you tell me why?"**

Doyoung knows Yuta is trying to make everything as calm as he can. But Doyoung also knows he is mad at what he did. Maybe at what he did with Johnny or himself.

**"I-I just...I'm scared"**

Despite the deep talk, the two are still coddled in Yuta's bed, backs facing.

**"Of?"**

**"Of everyone leaving me."**

**"You know we won't right?"**

**"I-I know...It's just that, we're all busy with work and would eventually have our own lives, own family. Taeyong isn't here because he's taking care of his husband. Mark and Hyuck have new friends same aged as them. A-And I was scared that when Jaehyun flies back to connecticut he would find someone better than me. He already is busy getting that promotion. He barely has time for me."** Doyoung paused and took a deep breath while trying to stop his tears from falling. **"I was scared that no one would stay beside me, that would be with me. Because honestly, I think I'm going to die by myself. I-I don't wanna live alone. I-I'm scared that I might do a big mistake."** He continued.

**"Dons, you know nothing big would change even after we got married right? We would still randomly pop out your apartment to eat and watch movies. We would still go on surprise vacations or trips just like right now! Maybe not as usual as we do, but heck, we were just bored and decided to go to Jeju. We would still be us. We're family Doyoung. You're my family. We got each other's backs."** Yuta said assuringly. Thinking if he should face Doyoung or not. Because honestly, he might cry at the sight of Doyoung breaking down again. The sight is just too familiar to him.

**"I know yu....I know. I just can't help to think about the things that is not far from happening. I feel like one day when I wake up, everything is gone. Everyone left. And I felt like I have to do something for it not to happen. B-but I just made it worst. I was being selfish. I badly want Jaehyun's attention but I know I can't because I might distract him from work. I really want him to get that promotion. He worked so hard everyday for it. You are all busy with your own lives and Johnny is the only one who has free schedule. Because of that, I started hanging out with Johnny...A-and things just...things just...suddenly became complicated. I-I feel like I used Johnny...wait-no-I did used Johnny. I'm so fucked. I know how he truly feels about me. A-And I dragged him into my problem. Now he has to suffer too. I-I just thought that maybe...maybe if I have Johnny, I wouldn't be miserable if Jaehyun did find someone better than me. Or if he completely focused his attention else where."** Doyoung sobbed as he clutch on the pilow and buried his face on it.

**"Doyoung I love you but do you realize that you just made the both of them an option so that you wouldn't suffer right? dons, did you ever consider how would Jaehyun feel if he finds out about this? Or did you ever know how Johnny feels about being a second option? I know you're not like this. You're thoughts are eating you up. You should've just told me about this. I could've helped you.** **_'We'_ ** **could've helped you. Everything would be shit if anyone finds out. Jaehyun loves you so much dons. So so much. I see it through more than half of my life. If only you told him, he would gladly make time for you."** Yuta sighed and sat up in the edge of the bed while staring at the view of the sea. **"Doyoung I want you to talk to Jaehyun today. He's been telling us about proposing to you. It might be tonight. Talk to him before things became worse."** He stood up and sighs **"As if this is not already worst"** he whispered and got out of the room, leaving Doyoung.

Doyoung just bawled out even more.

_'He's proposing?'_

\-------

It was already night and the group of friends are now having dinner in an outdoor restaurant beside the wild and violent sea, heavy atmosphere could be seen as Johnny, Yuta and Doyoung are not in the mood.

**"Look at how strong the waves are, aigoo and you want to go for a night swim?"** Doyoung said and glared at Donghyuck who just sheepishly grinned

**"I didn't know this sea is high tide!!!"** Donghyuck protested as he pouted.

**"Yooo hyungs, it would be our last night today! Let's enjoy and stop being like--like sappy teens!"** A flushed Mark slurred as he took another sip on his 'Apple Juice' while a very very very drunk Jungwoo giggled while playing with his phone.

**"Hyuck, I told you not to give Mark that drink. His tolerance is low."** Doyoung said as he tried to remove the glass in Mark's hand.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes and points at Jaehyun who chokes on his wine.

**"Your** **_'hubby'_ ** **here gave that to Markie and told him its unharmed"**

Jaehyun glares at Donghyuck because of the 'hubby' innuendo and looked at him with a _'shut-up-or-i-will-throw-you-to-the-sea'_ look. The latter just sticked his tongue out on him.

Jaehyun cleared his throat and wraps his arm on Doyoung's waist nervously **"On my defense, Johnny told him it was an Apple Juice for adult-"**

Johnny butt in, **"And he is an adult"**

**"-Yeah, see? Johnny told mark."** Jaehyun winked at Doyoung who just huffed and scrunches his nose in disgust **"you're gonna get drunk at this point jae stop that wine I know you mixed something strong there."**

Yuta snickered and stood up not taking the scene **"I'm gonna bring Jungwoo up the room."** He grunted when Jungwoo carelessly rode his back and hugged his neck.

**"Well, I'm gonna go in before Mark pass out too."** Johnny announced as he helped Mark, who's slurring drunk words from walking. **"No hyuuuuung like-like my juice is alone! Wanna give juice company"**

Jaehyun grins _'everything's going well in the plan'_ he thought. He kicked Donghyuck's feet who's busy using his phone **"ouch hyung what the f--"**

**"Words, Donghyuck."** Doyoung squints his eyes on Donghyuck

**"-lute. What the flute hyung."** Donghyuck fake smiled at Doyoung while kicking Jaehyun back. Jaehyun glares at him and eyed Johnny and Mark like he is telling Donghyuck to go with them telepathically.

The youngest just rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. **"a-ah ouch! Ouch! Whoo, my fee--head hurt! I think I'm drunk?....f-from the sea breeze--yeah!! Whoo gotta go in now, bye hyungs."** Donghyuck chuckled and nervously got up and started his way on their rented Airbnb **"gOODLUCK WOOJAE HYUNG!!!! DON'T BE DUMB!"** Donghyuck giggles and ran.

Doyoung _'tsk-ed'_ and shakes his head in disappointment **"when did hyuck became so bad at making excuse"**

Jaehyun smirks and brings Doyoung closer to him using his arms on the latter's waist. Doyoung responded to the skinship and leaned on his boyfriend's shoulder. **"Beats me."** His boyfriend said

Doyoung suddenly remembered what Yuta said

_"Doyoung I want you to talk to Jaehyun today. He's been telling us about proposing to you. It might be tonight. Talk to him before things became worse."_

_'Oh, yeah.....I'm sorry jae...'_ Doyoung thought

**"Jae?"**

**"Hmm?"**

**"Can we walk in the shore?"**

**"Anything my bunny wants."**

They started walking barefoot in the shore. Strong sea waves and a very faint party music is the only sound they could hear. No one dared to talk. One is because he's just happy and nervous on what he's about to do. And the other, nervous and sad about what he's about to say. Doyoung being the latter.

**"Jae/babe"** they both said at the same time.

Jaehyun chuckled and interwined their fingers with the hand that is not occupied carrying his and Doyoung's slippers. **"Bottoms first"**

It was silent for a moment. Jaehyun waited for his boyfriend to say something. But the shorter did nothing but stare at their clasped hands. **"hey, are you okay?"** Jaehyun stopped walking and faced Doyoung. 

**"yes, Jae. I was just thinking of work"** Doyoung lied. 

**"your students spreading rumours on you again??"** Jaehyun asked worriedly, believing the lie. Doyoung just smiled and muttered a small 'no' 

They continue walking along the shore. Jaehyun, giving his jacket to Doyoung. **"I remember the time our dorm heater wouldn't work and we spent christmas freezing."** Jaehyun chuckled, remembering their first christmast spent together without their parents

**"We were, what--18? so young and shy to each other that time. I had to get you drunk to confess to me."** Doyoung continued. 

**"And it was my first time getting drunk. I got so drunk that I forgot we confessed to each other the next morning. You were sulky and mad, you didn't talk to me for a week."** Jaehyun chuckled as he can clearly remember Yuta punched the hell outta him for being a jerk and forgetting his confession to his supposedly boyfriend.

**"That was the only punch I'm glad I received."** Jaehyun felt Doyoung's free hand on his side lip **"It kinda looked hot on you, yeah."** Jaehyun answered him with a wink and a blushing ears.

**"Remember when you cried so much because we're not classmates for college anymore?"**

Doyoung, Jaehyun and Yuta have been friends since Middle year. The trio have always been together. Nothing and no one could separate them. Despite the huge difference on Doyoung and Jaehyun's interests, Jaehyun liking sports, Doyoung hating it. Doyoung liking books, Jaehyun hating them. Jaehyun liking the summer, Doyoung liking the winter. Yuta coming in between of them. They remained inevitable and worked their way out of juinior highschool together. Before they started college they met Jaehyun's 3rd cousin from Chicago, Johnny. The big fluff eventually won their hearts and became close to them. On their way through out college, they met wonderful people and trusted friends. They became each other's parent, sibling, friend and soul mate. They leaned on each other on their difficulties and challenges on pursuing their dreams. They created priceless memories with each other that Doyoung treasured a lot. He just doesn't know why he still feels like everyone is not enough for him. 

**"I just realized, If I convinced my mom not changing schools for Middle year, I would've never met you and Yuta."** Jaehyun chuckled and pulled Doyoung in a sudden hug that stilled the smaller. 

**"I am so glad mother is stubborn enough to convince me and my dad. I met my other half. I love you so much Kim Dongyoung you have no idea. I would swim this sea in front of us to get to your island. I would work myself up to catch a star for you. I would bring you everywhere you wanted and mark the place with our love."**

Doyoung closed his eyes tight shut to prevent tears from falling. He hugged his boyfriend back as he listened to everything Jaehyun has to say. 

**"because of you, I am a better person. You made me strong. And you made me believe in myself. I am Jung Jaehyun now because of you Kim Dongyoung. You made me the person I am today. I know we reached our dreams together. And we solved our problems together. But you,** **_You_ ** **are my dream. You are what I wish for. You are my biggest dream that I have yet to achieve."** Doyoung clenched his jaw and hugged Jaehyun tighter.

_'why are you making it so hard for me Jae?'_

\-----------------

The glaring sunlight directed on his face is what Jaehyun woke up to. 

**"Fuck"** he buried his face on what he thought is Doyoung's chest and hugged him. 

_'Isn't just raining earlier or is that a dream?"_ He thought. 

He squinted his eyes and blocked the sunlight from his face using his hand and looked at the thing he is hugging with. _A pillow._

**"Doyoung hyung?"** He sat up and looked for his sweater that was discarded last night. To no avail, he couldn't find it and settled for just in his sweatpants. 

He looked at the clock _6:59 am_ **"Doie?"** He checked their bathroom but he's not there. He walked his way on the kitchen, thinking his boyfriend must be cooking them breakfast. But, _no Doyoung in the kitchen._ His brows furrowed and looked for Doyoung in their friend's room

No Doyoung in Jungwoo's room

No Doyoung in MarkHyuck's room

No Doyoung in Johnny's room

_No Doyoung even in Yuta's room._

Their friends still far in dreamland, unbothered by the sunlight. _'Where could he be?'_ Jaehyun thought, worry seeping through him.

He tried to look outside their Airbnb, in the shore, some restaurants, parking lot, but still, _no Doyoung._

**"Sir, have you seen this man?"** Jaehyun asked to one employee

 **"No, sir. Is he missing?"** The employee asked 

Jaehyun nervously nods **"Yes, we are staying at the Airbnb near the cliff. I woke up and he's gone."**

 **"Sir it has been raining hard since earlier until now. The rain is pretty strong and the waves are getting higher too. Its a doubt that someone goes outside."** His eyes widened. 

_'No, no, Doyoung didn't.'_ he thought.

He is starting to be really worried. He is known to have a long patience but right now his patience is thinning up quickly. Suddenly, an idea flashes on his mind as he ran back to their shared room.

 _'Right, why didn't I call him first?'_ He chuckled to himself. As he started to feel silly because, Doyoung never left his phone. It was Jaehyun's gift for him when Doyoung's phone shut down completely as it is too old to be functioning.

He calms himself and chased his breath. He gets a hold of his phone and dialed the first speed number.

_Calling, My Bunny♡…._

When the ringing of the phone goes on for another 30 seconds, His heart beat paced up. He suddenly felt scared and worried. Scared Doyoung was abducted or something. 

**"Hello-"**

**"Hyung! You scared me to death!"**

**"-this is Doyoung Kim's voice mail. I'm a little bit busy right now, I will call back asap!!"** He suddenly feels weak on his legs and supported himself on their shared bed and sat. 

_'I'll just call again.'_

But when his 12th call gets unanswered, he gripped on his phone and gulped nervously **"It's okay Jae, maybe he's just near by. Don't panic."** He said to himself and tried to dial Doyoung's phone again. 

He close his eyes shut tightly and frustratedly brushed his hair using his other hand. He tries to calm himself by breathing deeply. 

_Buzz. Buzz..._

_Buzz. Buzz…_

His eyes force open when he heard a soft buzzing sound near him. He tracked the sound and he was in front of the full vanity that is filled with some of their clothes, wine and a wine glass. He swiped clean the table in one swift move of his arm causing a loud shattering of the wine and the glass. Jaehyun feels like his soul left his body as he saw what is causing the buzzing sound.

_Doyoung's phone._

A loud feet thumping and door bursting open was heard but still, Jaehyun remains unfazed. **"Jaehyun, Doyoung?! What is that sound?!"** Yuta appeared in the door frame looking scared. 

**"Hyungs?"** Donghyuck and Mark who woke up to the loud sound gasped when they saw what happened on their hyung's room.

Jaehyun didn't respond and suddenly lets go of his phone as he walked through the shards of broken glasses to get Doyoung's phone. Like a switch, his tears started flowing through, racing with each eye quickly. He knelt down and whimpered not because of the broken glasses below him but because of Doyoung's lockscreen. 

_I'm sorry._

**"Jae!!/hyung!!"** They shouted as they can see blood now pooling on Jaehyun.

Suddenly, Johnny appeared and bursted in the room and tried to carry the bloody Jaehyun out of the broken glasses. **"Jaehyun, calm down. Please you're cutting yourself."**

Jaehyun shaked his head hastly and looked at Johnny directly. Red, furious teary eyes greeted him. **"YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND."** He gripped on Johnny's collar.

Donghyuck was startled on his hyung's shout and started sobbing. Jungwoo, who just came out of the room hugged Donghyuck and carried him on the farthest room. Mark following with tears on his eyes. They didn't know what is happening but, it hurts so much to see their Jaehyun hyung in that state.

 **"Jaehyun you have to listen to me, let's get you out of there and tell me what's going on. We could help you."** Johnny said as he tried to calm Jaehyun who is still clutching on Doyoung's phone. Yuta must have get what is happening as he collapsed and cried silently, still in the door frame staring at Jaehyun.

 _'Dons, what did you do?'_ Yuta thought.

 **"You have no fucking idea so don't fucking go around offering your help."** Jaehyun muttered bitterly 

**"You're gonna die from all this blood Jaehyun I swear--"**

Johnny felt a pair of hands on his shoulder **"Johnny….It's doyoung"** Yuta said breathly as he shake his head slowly.

Johnny felt a sharp pang on his chest. His eyes widened. 

_'Is it what I think it is?'_ Johnny thought. 

\------------‐---

Years have passed after their vacation on Jeju. Everything changed. They changed. They _chose_ to change. And one person, that sole person is the one who changed a lot. 

**"Ten told me Jaehyun is there 'till dawn again"** Taeyong said while quickly looking at the passenger seat. 

Yuta scoffed and clicked his tongue **"Why can't he just ban Jaehyun again at his own bar tae? Like he did on the first year?"**

 **"Yeah, and bar owners calling us because he fought with someone or cause a scene"** Jungwoo said with disagreement at the back of the car. 

**"Or, him running away from every girl he ghosted."** Taeyong added and sighed. 

_'Oh yeah, I forgot Jaehyun had his flirt, fuck and go phase'_ yuta thought. 

They arrived on their destination with each of them carrying flowers. They quickly find what they're looking for and sat in the grass, tidying the surrounding. **"Aigoo Doie, why is it so dirty here huh? You haven't been cleaning tsk tsk"** Jungwoo muttered as he throw away some dried leaves.

**"Doyo, your favorite is here~ Happy Birthday!!"** Yuta, Taeyong and Jungwoo looked up to where the voice is coming and saw Ten running with a nice scented candle. 

**"You didn't convinced him?"**

**"Jae didn't even let me speak Yu, he stormed out of my bar"**

They all sighed. Of course, it would be a surprise if Jaehyun acknowledged Ten today. They stared at the picture frame where they are all there with Doyoung in the middle, gummy smile showing. The place is nice and sophisticated. Well guarded with a strong fence filled eith flowers, bordering him to the others. It was a peaceful place despite the severe scatches on Doyoung's name on the tomb, making it unreadable. Courtesy of Jaehyun.

_In memory of_

_February 1, 1996 - October 21, 2021_

**"It feels like its only yesterday, I still regret I wasn't there for him."** Taeyong said as he carefully placed his flowers beside the picture frame. 

Yuta patted his back **"Doyoung wouldn't want us to blame ourselves Tae."** He said as he leans down and placed his flowers beside Doyoung's scratched name. 

Ten lit up the scented candle he bought and laid down the grass, looking at the sky. **"Yah! Kim Doyoung! How dare you leave us so suddenly huh?!"** He bit his lip to stop himself from sobbing. 

They stayed silent for a moment, only Ten's occasional sobbing and Taeyong calming Ten is heard. **"Don't you think we should tell Jaehyun? I think that would help him move on."** Jungwoo suddenly blurted out.

**"The what woos?"**

**"The one you told us Yuta hyung. I think he deserves to know why Doyoung did it. Maybe then, just maybe, he would learn to accept everything little by little."**

It has been almost 3 years since their vacation on Jeju. After discovering Doyoung's phone, Jaehyun avoided them like a plague. Even after they arrived in Seoul. He refuses to believe that _his_ Doyoung died. Because _how could he?_ Right? They were just lovey dovey that night. What goes wrong? It took them week to find Doyoung's body that sank in the sea it was fairly quick having to have the authorities with them. They all refused to see him, feeling like Doyoung would not like them to see him in that state. But even after the confirmed dna, Jaehyun refused to believe that Doyoung is no longer with them. He believed on the same thought even after Doyoung's service. It was all too sudden to all of them. Specially to Mark and Donghyuck who are too young to witness everything.

**_"Who fucking wrote his name here?! He is not fucking dead all of you are fucking shit!"_ **

After everyone settled, Jaehyun visited Doyoung once. The first and last he said. Leaving violent marks on his ex-lover's tomb. Weeks after his scenario on Doyoung's tomb made Jaehyun go mad, he strongly refused the passing of the latter and believed the fact that Doyoung just left him because he is not enough for him. This made Jaehyun more miserable than he already is. He quit his job saying its useless now because he wouldn't ever reach his dreams anymore. He had flings left and right. Wasting his parent's money, drowning himself with liquor, inhaling cigarette every second, he was a big mess. They all tried to change him. To bring their Jaehyun back. But despite all their efforts combined, Jaehyun didn't budge. 

**"He chose that himself. We wanted to tell him but he refused to listen. He was having his own little world by himself."** Yuta said as he remembered how many times they try to talk with Jaehyun about Doyoung.

**"How about Johnny hyung?"**

**"He always miss the timing whenever he wanted to tell him. Cheating with your relative's lover is quite a big toll to tell. Specially he only comes back here time to time from Chicago.."**

**"If we didn't do this now, we will just drag on the time and we wouldn't notice, it would already be a decade and we still haven't told Jaehyun."**

Taeyong chirped in **"I agree with Jungwoo. I think we should stop waiting for the right time to come. Instead, we will make our own right time for us."**

What they didn't notice is the sound of someone walking away from their backs.

 _'Doyoung did what?'_ Jaehyun thought, his mind full of questions. Tears started streaming down his face as he got back to his car, throwing the bouquet of baby's breath in the process. 

_'I knew I shouldn't have go there'_ It would be his second time to visit Doyoung. He was ready to accept it. He was ready to start a new. To move on. But why does it seem like there is always something that would stop him? He still love Doyoung obviously. He is still his first speed dial, his wallpaper, still wears their couple bracelet. He is still his dream that he have yet to achieve. It hurts too much for him to just move on and forget everything they had. How could he forget his soulmate? His other half? His dream? How could he, of all people. 

Jaehyun drive back to his old apartment him and Doyoung used. It was a miracle he didn't got into any accident with his reckless driving and the amount of tears blurring his vision. He took his time dressing up today. He wore the tux he and Doyoung bought out of impulse and saved it for 'future purposes'. He even visited the salon to style his hair. Poor dresser thought he was getting married. 

**_"No sir, My love is in a long slumber"_** he answered to the dresser. 

He wanted to spend the entire remaining day with Doyoung. He wanted to take his time apologizing why he only came back just now. He even ordered baby's breath that Doyoung loves. But all of it has to be ruined by an issue that should be long forgotten now. If only he knew.

He arrived at the apartment and nostalgia hit him hard. Memories of him and Doyoung flooded his mind. Different scenarios and moments ate his thoughts up 

**_"Jae?"_ **

Jaehyun looks at his right and find Doyoung who's wearing a cute apron, holding a pan. 

**_"I made you cookies! Your favorite! And its bunny shaped!"_ ** Doyoung showed him the bunny cookies and imitated what the cookies looked like. He clenched his jaw and threw everything he could reach in imaginary Doyoung's side. 

**"FUCK YOU HYUNG! YOU LEFT ME!"**

Everything is coming back again. He sat on the floor, hugging himself as he cried and cried. _'Why did Doyoung cheat?'_ He thought

Hours after his fit, he forced himself to go inside their old bedroom. It was still the same as he remembered despite the dust and multiple furniture gone. He didn't stop crying but he felt another warm batch of tears bursted out of his eyes as he saw all of their things, the polaroids, Doyoung's things. Their bed, Doyoung's bunny slipper. He didn't touched any of their things because it was not only his, but Doyoung's too. He was torturing himself by going through his memories furthermore. Remembering the day he lost his life. Him, waking up without Doyoung. Looking for him, finding his phone. And never getting to see Doyoung again.

**"The phone"** Jaehyun said to himself with his hoarse voice. Doyoung's phone that he found years ago was also left in their apartment and has never been opened or touched since. 

Jaehyun starts rummaging carefully all the cabinets and drawers in their bedroom before finally remembering where he last put it. **"Right, it was at the bed."** He lifts the pillow on Doyoung's side of bed and saw the phone. 

_'It still works right?'_ He thought as he tried to connect the phone in the charger. Minutes pass an the phone's logo showed. And the phone successfully opened revealing Doyoung's lockscreen

_'I'm sorry'_

Jaehyun bit his lip as he embraced the phone and sobbed. _'Why are you sorry My love?'_ He thought. He wanted to open the phone. God knows how much he wanted to open it. But he is scared. But now, now is the right time. He wants to know the truth. And only Doyoung has it.

He opened the phone and since his fingerprint is saved, he opened it easily. The first thing he saw is his face in the home screen.

It was taken from one of their dates at an amusement park. He was waiting for Doyoung who went to the restroom at the bench beside it. 

**_"Hyung stop staring, take a picture it lasts longer."_ ** _Jaehyun smirked while using his phone._

 _Doyoung pouted but opened his own phone and took a picture of his boyfriend._ **_"Aigoo-yah, my baby is getting old, look at those wrinkles tsk tsk."_ ** _Doyoung said teasingly and sat beside his boyfriend._

 _Jaehyub frowned while cupping Doyoung's cheeks, forcing the other to look at him._ **_"Old?"_ ** _He leans in dangerously closer._ **_"Really? Hyung?"_ ** _They can hear each other's breathing due to the closeness._

 _Doyoung blushed and glares at his boyfriend_ **_"unfair hmp"_ ** _Jaehyun just giggled and pecked his forehead._

Jaehyun smiled bitterly as he wipe his tears. He miss Doyoung a lot. He miss him everyday. His touch, voice, presence, food, nagging. Even just Doyoung doing nothing. He missed it a lot. He checked the gallery and saw, it was full of him. He was in awe. They had never looked at each other's phone thoroughly since it's not really an important matter for them. But _this,_ he would have never expected these. He have no idea when these pictures where taken. But he does remember the setting. It was taken on their dates, their apartment, in the car, at their university, he just don't understand how Doyoung took those photos. There is a whole album of candid photos of him named 'My Peach♡'

 _'why is it only me?'_ Jaehyun thought. He scrolled for other pictures and _ah, Its Johnny._ It was a selfie taken in Johnny's car. Doyoung is in the backseat hugging Johnny who is in the driver's. Doyoung smiling wide and Johnny sticking his tongue out. One thing he noticed is another arm cropped in the passenger seat. He recognized the arm immediately with the bracelet. Its him. So he was there. Why didn't he noticed how close Doyoung and Johnny are? Did Doyoung really cheated?

Jaehyun muttered a small **"fuck this shit"** and decided to exit in the gallery. He looked at the notifications, he has the most number of unread messages and missed calls. He remembered texting and calling Doyoung's phone everytime he gets drunk and sappy.

**Dangerously Full storage⚠️⚠️⚠️**

**1004 Unread Messages from My Peach♡**

**820 Missed Calls from My Peach♡**

**690 Voice Messages from My Peach♡**

**13 Unread Messages from Tyongie♡**

**3 Unread Messages from S**

**"S? who is S?"** he pressed the unread messages from S but was redirected to type in the password. He frustratingly brushed his hair using his fingers and thought of a password Doyoung might have. 

**"his birthday?"** he tried to type in Doyoung's birthdate on every possible way but still, the message would not open. _'Could it be my birthday?'_ he thought.

 _021497_

His eyes widened when the message was unlocked. He immediately looked at the number but the number is foreign to him. 

**_S_ **

_(+××)×××-××××-×××_

_10/20/2021_

_I'm sorry for earlier Doyoung. sent 15:39_

_I wasn't sensitive enough. sent 15:40_

_I promise to avoid you as much as I can so that Jaehyun won't be suspicious of anything. Don't be guilty on what you said to me earlier. I know I was wrong to approach you like that knowing you didn't want my presence. I just want you to know that I'm doing this because I love you. sent 15:45_

He chuckled bitterly as he read the message. Looking at the date, it was sent from their first day on Jeju. Johnny must have used a different number. It was the only message left from that number. Doyoung must have deleted it. But using his birthday as a password for cheating purposes? how cruel. He felt a squeeze on his heart. This is enough proof to know that Doyoung did cheated on him with his cousin. But he wanted to know only one thing. Why.

_Why did he cheated_

_When did it started_

_And why of all people cheat with Johnny._

Okay, maybe that wasn't one thing. But since he is already holding Doyoung's phone that holds the biggest evidence, it wouldn't hurt more to search for answers right?

He started looking for anything that could be an answer to his questions. But all he found was his lesson plans, some voice records of him singing, videos of him with Jaehyun or their friends. Jaehyun stopped himself from watching or listening to any of those because, this is not the right time to mourn. He decided he cried enough. He could feel how swollen his eyes from all the crying he did. He is here or answers. And he is determined to get it today. But after looking at the phone's documents and applications repeatedly, he got nothing. 

_'Is there really nothing?'_ he was about to give up. The room is starting to dim down. He must have been looking at the phone for hours. It was nearing night time. What question him the most is why the storage is full. There are no unnecessary applications and he checked the settings, finding out that an unknown application has the most space.

Suddenly, a question blurted on his mind. _'Notes. Where is the notes app?'_ He remembered Doyoung typing everything down on his Notes because he is sometimes forgetful. He realized he opened every app and files Doyoung has but he did not see the Notes. He looked for the app in the search bar and immediately saw what he is looking for.

_'Its still here, why couldn't I find it? did he hide it?'_ he thought. His heart started pounding fast as he stare at the application. He is suddenly nervous. Sweat starting to bead up on his body. Now, there, he is sure there is something written on Doyoung's notes. But why couldn't he click it? Why couldn't he do a single tap to open the application? Why is he so scared of something he had no idea of? 

_'Come on Jae. You would just read. Nothing challenging. You learned that decades ago. Yes, just reading. And if I got nothing, then nothing. I'll leave. I'll accept everything. I'll just ask Yuta.'_ He thought, assuring himself.

With a split of a second he tap on the application and bit his lip. A second passed before he was redirected to type in a password again. He sighed and muttered **"Of course, a password."** He tried typing his and Doyoung's birthday but neither work. A warning showed that he only has one attempt or the contents of the application would be deleted. 

He growled and punched the cabinet infront of him from frustration. _'fuck, no, no, please.'_ this is the only hope he has and it would be removed forever by a single mistake. He has to think carefully. What would Doyoung's password be. 

_'If I were Doyoung, what would I put?'_

**_"Jae, The drunk man upstairs is trying to open the door again last night."_ ** _Doyoung said as he snuggled into Jaehyun who's sitting at the bed typing on his laptop._

 _Jaehyun's brows furrowed and looked at his lover_ **_"Mr. Ahn? did he mistakenly thought this is 128th floor again?"_ **

**_"Yes, I was so scared. I tried calling you but you wouldn't answer."_ ** _Doyoung pouted and buried his face on Jaehyun's side._

 _Jaehyun felt a rush of guilt. Right, he was working overtime to work on his boss's task for the promotion. He brushed Doyoung's hair using his fingers and kissed the top of his head_ **_"I-I'm sorry baby, I was working on--"_ **

**_"I know, your promotion. It's okay Jae. I understand. I know you've been really putting effort for that."_ ** _Doyoung said, cutting Jaehyun's words. He faced Jaehyun with a smile and stole a peck on his boyfriend's cheek._

 _Jaehyun sighed and placed his laptop in the night stand to hug Doyoung._ **_"I'm sorry baby. Do you want me to work here? I could request that to my boss."_ ** _Doyoung cut him off with a peck on his lips._ **_"No, I don't want your lazy ass lounging here. Plus, I have work too babe. It's okay. Don't worry about it. Johnny is just 10 doors away from us too--"_ **

_Jaehyun cupped Doyoung's cheeks and kissed him passionately. How could he be so lucky to have this understanding person all by himself? He felt Doyoung whine in the kiss._ **_"unfair! I was saying something"_ ** _he huffs his cheeks and pouted._ **_"Sorry baby, you're unresistable."_ **

_They take their time cuddled in their bed. Comforted by each other's breathing and heart beat._ **_"Should we change our password?"_ ** _Jaehyun suddenly said._

 **_"Should we change our kiddie password you mean?"_ ** _Doyoung giggled_

 **_"What's wrong with 0000?"_ ** _Jaehyun argued as he pouted_

 _Doyoung pinched his cheeks_ **_"Everything is wrong with 0000 you're so bad at passwords. Let's just change it."_ **

**_"Okay genius bunny, what number do you suggest then?"_ **

**_"0114."_ **

**_"January 14?"_ **

**_"No, pabo. Its 01 and 14. Our birthdate."_ **

The sudden rush of memory flooded Jaehyun's mind. 

_'Could it be?'_ He thought. He stared blankly at the phone and decided to risk it. He has no idea what else to put anyways. 

He bit his lip hard, not realizing it was hard enough to bleed when he tasted it. He typed in 0114 carefully and clicked 'ok'. He didn't realize he was holding his breath untik he exhaled deeply when the app opened.

  * To Jaehyun
  * Doie's Recipes
  * Countries I wanna...
  * Groceries
  * List of students who…



Jaehyun's brows furrowed when he only saw 5 notes. He saw his name in one of the notes but decided to read it later. He clicked on the folders and what he found made him more puzzled. There are folders with dates. 

**01/2021**

**02/2021**

**03/2021**

He scrolled down the very long list of folders. And it seemed like he couldn't get into the bottom of it but finally, he reached the last one. 

**08/2003**

he opened the folder and was astonished to see another set of notes. The title are all numbers. He clicked on one. It was a picture...of a diary. Jaehyun's eyes widened as he stare at the colorful diary of Young Doyoung. The titles aren't numbers, but _dates_. Dates of the Month.

_#1_

_Dear Doie's Diary (DDD),_

_Today, mummy made me eat vagetables. I hate it!!aaaah. Yuta got a dog. I want one but mummy dont want hmp. Why does mummy always dont like doie wants?_

_#13_

_Dear Doie's Diary (DDD),_

_I cried because mummy made me wake so early. But!!!!!yuta and me walked together to school!!first day of our school me and yuta are seatmates. Teacher is mad at us because we called him Mr. Shiny. Its not our fault his head is shiny no hair!!!!_

**12/2003**

_#23_

_Dear Doie's Diary (DDD),_

_I'm sulky today because Yuta is leaving me hmp he said he will go home at Japan. Mummy says I can't go. I cried at the airport. I already miss Yuta._

**02/2006**

_#1_

_Dear Doie's Diary (DDD),_

_Its my birthday diary!!!! my mom bought me a bunny!!! yuta gave me bunny doll hmp and my birthday theme is bunny too!! I dont look like a bunny!!_

**10/2006**

_#26_

_Dear Doie's Diary (DDD),_

_Yuta is older than me again hmp he's 11 now. Why am I younger by 4̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶t̶h̶s̶ 3 months. We played at their backyard pool with Taeilie he's also our neighbour~ Yuta slipped while running and broke his front tooth. See??? why is he older he acts like a kid. I'm a big boy than him._

Reading young Doyoung's diary entries made Jaehyun feel happy. So this was Doyoung before he came to his life. It was inpressive how Doyoung was able to save his diary through all the years. 

**08/2007**

_#12_

_Dear Doie's Diary (DDD),_

_First day as middle schooler. Yuta is taller than me now. Why can't I grow fast? Me and Yuta isn't in the same section. I'm sad. My classmates are bullying me because I look like a bunny. They threw their lunches at me. But its okay, they said sorry when the teacher told them to. I hate my face! Ms. Ji told us we would have transferee but he is absent today. I get to be seatmates with him though. I hope he is nice._

_#20_

_Dear Doie's Diary (DDD),_

_The transferee is finally present. His name is Jung Yoonoh. But he is called Jaehyun. He is kinda chubby. But he is kind to me! He gave me math answers he is so smart @.@ and Taeilie moved to america with his family. Me and Yuta are so sad we cried )))):_

**02/2008**

_#2_

_Jaehyun gave me a stuffy huhu it was so cute!!! I have the bunny and he has the carrot!! He said both go well together like us. Yuta said he'll just be the air between us hehe._

_#14_

_Dear Doie's Diary (DDD),_

_Jae is a valentimes baby!!! wooow! its so cool. Yuta says he is a baby cupid. I said he is a sweetheart!! me and Yuta saved up for his gift. We gave him legos hehe we got no money huhuhu._

**05/2013**

_#6_

_I got braces today. I hate it. Hurts so much. Jae gave me some ice cream and called me cute. No one called me cute except mom. Yuta and Jaehyun are playing soccer while I'm the cheerleader reading books in the bleachers hehe. I'm taller than Yuta now!!! yeey._

**11/2013**

_#1_

_Jae dressed up as a vampire this halloween he loss some weight is it because he is into sports now…?….his dimples! gosh...…..why do I blush everytime he looks at me??? >\\\\\\\< yuta teased me and said I looked like a red chili hmp. I think I like Jaehyun. _

**03/2014**

_#18_

_I like Jaehyun so much omg…..Yuta found out. He keeps on giving me teasing looks!! My braces got removed today and I notice Jaehyun keeps on staring at me. Do I look bad? ):_

_#24_

_Diary…..I cried so much today...A senior harassed me while I was peeing in the bathroom. I couldn't ask for help… I cried so much… He undressed me….I feel so dirty...I'm so happy someone knocked. I covered myself with my sweater and ran home…...I avoided Yuta and Jaehyun today….My day gets a lot worse….my mom decided to let his ugly boyfriend Soobin live at our house…I hate him so much._

_#27_

_Soobin forced me to call him 'dad' and I told him I would never call him that. He slapped me. Jaehyun and Yuta are still asking me why I avoided them last time. I lied saying I was sick and I don't want them to caught it. Jaehyun gave me a lot of medicines and fruits._

_#30_

_Mom didn't came home today. Soobin punched me in the stomach when I refused to massage his body. He shouted at me and called me useless. He told me that Mom would never go home again…..I cried. I'm so pathetic._

**10/2014**

_#3_

_Mom keeps on texting and calling me asking if me and Soobin are okay. Soobin forced me to lie. She got deployed by her boss at New York. Soobin lied to mom and told her I didn't want to see her when he was about to go as I was being a rebellious teen. I got so mad at him. He beat me to death…..he said crying is for the weak._

**11/2014**

_#5_

_Yuta and Jaehyun are still not used to me wearing make up. I told them I wanted to look pretty. They didn't know I was hiding my scars and bruises. Soobin keeps on beating me whenever I do something that disappointed him. I couldn't tell anyone...I know mom loves him so much...I want her to be happy…_

_#17_

_Soobin kicked me out of the house with my things and told me to die….I sneaked in our tree house in the backyard to sleep...It was raining so hard…_

_#20_

_I'm so hungry, its been 3 days. Soobin didn't want me to go home. Yuta and Jaehyun are worried at me when I eat a lot everytime at school. I told them I wanted to gain weight...Jaehyun bought me desserts I kissed him on the cheek as a thank you._

_#29_

_I sneak in the house whenever Soobin is sleeping. I saw a woman's clothes in his and mom's room…..Yuta keeps on bugging me why Soobin doesn't want him to visit me….They started to notice my weight..Jaehyun keeps on winking at me._

**12/2014**

_#1_

_I was shocked when Soobin suddenly let me in the house. That night, mom went home. I cried so hard and hugged her tight. Soobin threatened me and told me to shut up or he will kill mom….Jaehyun became so possesive of me..I learned that mom is only here for a month._

**01/2015**

_#2_

_mom is back in new york and Yuta is still in japan. Soobin beats me again...He threw a vase to me…..I bled so much. Luckily, a neighbour heard us and knocked. Soobin kicked me to my room...Jaehyun and Yuta wants to video call….I rejected them..I want to but...my scars.._

_#4_

_Mom suddenly goes home because her boss agreed to let her work near our home. She saw Soobin beating me up. Mom broke up with him and reported him to the police...we cried so much...my mom keeps on apologizing but I assured her its not her fault and I'm okay._

**02/2015**

_#1_

_Jaehyun kissed me on my forehead >< I told my mom I like him she is super supportive...she always bake desserts for us to eat at school now...I'm 18 now but nothing is new for me….Jaehyun is still taller than me and Yuta. They started to go on the gym too. I refused. I just watch them sometimes hehe. Mom gave me the latest phone omgggg..I have been crying every night because I keep having nightmares of everyone leaving me. _

_#14_

_Its Jaehyunie's birthday!!! he threw a party and we met his 3rd cousin, Johnny from Chicago. He said he's going college on our university too! He is so tall @.@ (but jae is more handsome) I think I'm in love with Jung Jaehyun. I got so scared when a stranger tried to touch me….._

**08/2015**

_#10_

_I cried so much because me and Jaehyun aren't in the same class. He chose Accountancy while I took Education. Yuta wants to be a Doctor. I'm so proud. I met Taeyong and Ten from Music Club. I like them. I started vomiting my food because I don't wanna gain weight. I have been cutting myself whenever I fail on doing something. I just wanted to be enough._

**12/2015**

_#25_

_I told my mom I'm celebrating christmas with Jaehyun in our dorm ><. She gave me condoms!! aigoo >< We spent the morning video calling our friends. Mark and Haechan drinked wine secretly from their parents tsk tsk those kids. I secretly put some alcohol in Jaehyun's juice huhu I'm so bad. He confessed to me ><♡♡♡♡♡ _

**2/2019**

_#14_

_I was ready to give myself to Jaehyun. We made love. He accepted me and my ugly body. I cried so much..he kissed all my scars and called me beautiful...I love him so much. He told me to stop vomiting my food._

**2/2021**

_#1_

_Jae didn't came home today. Yuta video called me asking if I got his gift he mailed. Jungwoo was sick. Taeyong and Tem visited me for a bit. Mark and Hyuck are on a fieldtrip. Johnny celebrated it with me and ate some of the foods I cooked, we watched some movies...I told everyone its okay… me and Johnny gave all the foods I made to the homeless kids outside..I stopped crying years ago because its for the weak but because of Jaehyun, I cry again._

_#14_

_Jae forgot to open my present for him. He hasn't been home these days. Johnny bought me flowers. He gives everyone one but I received three._

_#17_

_I threw away my gift for jaehyun. It was useless anyways. Johnny has been cooking for me. I was teaching him on the way It tasted good._

**04/2021**

_#5_

_Taeyong and Ten got married. Jaehyun rushed to go to work after the reception because of an emergency. Mr. Ahn keeps on trying to open our door these days I'm so scared. Johnny saw some of my fresh scars, he treated it. I slept at Johnny's he hugged me to sleep._

_#19_

_Jaehyun is near on achieving the CFO position, he told me he would be more busy...Johnny brought me to his workplace a.k.a his sceneries where he takes his photos. I got relaxed. He kissed me before I go in my apartment…..I cut myself again to be better for Jaehyun._

_#22_

_I started hanging out with Johnny more. He goes to my workplace to eat lunch together. My students spreads rumour about me being a slut. I cut myself to be better. Yuta has been visiting me weekly._

**05/2021**

_#14_

_Graduation came and my students still hated me and keeps on acting like I'm a whore. They keep on bashing me on social media. I cut myself to be better._

_#20_

_Jaehyun told me that the CFO position would be given to him but only in Connecticut...I said its okay. We could work on long distance relationship. I tried to poison myself._

_#24_

_Johnny has been acting like my boyfriend. I like it. I like his attention. Jaehyun didn't come home again. Yuta has been wanting to hang out._

**07/2021**

_#16_

_I got admitted to the hospital again. I'm lucky Johnny and Taeyong can give me blood. I feel like I'm using them. For me to live, but I keep ending myself. I think they are starting to get annoyed because I'm a nuisance. Yuta cried and hugged me._

**09/2021**

_#4_

_Jaehyun is not busy anymore. He said his boss is now deciding for the CFO position. He is spoiling me so much. I don't know what to do with Johnny. Should I tell Jaehyun? I don't want him to hate me. He lost some weight and looked so stress I don't want to add up to his problems._

_#10_

_It's been 5 days since I told Johnny to distance himself from me and stop whatever is going on between us. I can't tell it to Jaehyun. He has been so happy these days. He has been working out too._

_#15_

_Jaehyun is gaining his health back. He's improving everyday. He was wondering why Johnny is avoiding him. I told him Johnny must've been busy. My friends are planning for a vacation._

**10/2021**

_#18_

_I'm packing our things for our trip tomorrow to Jeju. We are so impulsive. Me and Jaehyun drove to Jungwoo's apartment to let him sleep in tonight at our apartment as his car is broken. So we could go together at the airport tomorrow._

_#19_

_Our trip was cancelled. Ten got his ankle dislocated. The night at the hospital. Taeyong told us to go by ourselves and they gave their tickets to Mark and Donghyuck. We rebooked it for tomorrow._

Jaehyun stilled. Shocked and angry. He was full of emotions. He didn't know Doyoung has to go through all of that. Of all person, it was him who wasn't on Doyoung's side whenever he needed him. He failed as his boyfriend. No wonder Doyoung leaned on Johnny more. Jaehyun is so frustrated at himself. He couldn't imagine how much Doyoung must've felt. He was so mad at himself for not noticing Doyoung's actions. He was too focused on that damned promotion, he neglected the love of his life. Doyoung almost died multiple times. And out of all those times, he wasn't there. 

He should've noticed whenever Doyoung is sad

_but he wasn't by his side_

whenever there are fresh cuts made by him

_he was at the office working_

whenever he cried to sleep

_he was having an overtime for work_

should've noticed that it wasn't really okay.

_but he was so desperate for the promotion._

He just wanted a comfortable life with Doyoung without the use of his parent's money. He wanted them to have enough money before getting married and buying a much more bigger house. But he have no idea that all of this has been happening behind his back. Why did no one told him? Did Doyoung told them not to say anything to me because he thinks he would be a nuisance? **"It's my fault"** Jaehyun said as he weakly cradle the phone on his chest. Too weak to do anything. He cried on the cold floor. 

His Doyoung. His precious Doyoung is gone. Oh so kind Doyoung has been suffering. His love has to go all through that alone. Should he thank Johnny for being with Doyoung when he's out there wasting time on a stupid promotion. For what? for money? What now, could his money bring Doyoung back? Could his money bring all those moments Doyoung cried for him? those moments Doyoung needed him? He couldn't. All his life, he thought he already knew so much about Doyoung. He thought he knew everything. But turns out, all he knew was Doyoung's lies. Doyoung. Doyoung _Doyoung._ _How could life be so difficult as yours?_

Suddenly, he heard the main door of their apartment opening. 

_'A killer, murderer, robber, or fucking whatever, I don't care anymore. Kill me.'_ Jaehyun thought. He was thinking that ge doesn't deserve his life living like shit when all along Doyoung experienced all of those. 

**"What the fucking mess----Jaehyun!!"**

_It was Johnny_. He laughed bitterly as tears continue to flow on his eyes. 

_'What a timing'_ he thought

He grasped at the phone tightly and curled himself into a ball when Johnny turned on the lights.

 **"Jaehyun…."** Johnny could only stare at his cousin. He just got back from Chicago and from Doyoung forthe latter's birthday as he saw his cousin's and Doyoung's old apartment's door slighlty opened. He decided to come in but didn't expect it would be Jaehyun, looking like this.

 **"H-hyung...he..he, has a diary you know"** Jaehyun's hoarse voice made Johnny tear up and run to hug his cousin.

 **"I'm sorry"** Johnny said as he caressed his cousin's back.

 **"I..I should be thanking you. You were there for him when he needed me. I'm such a jerk."** Jaehyun's voice broke as he talk. 

**"No, you're not. We understand you."**

**"He wrote to his diary since he was 11 up until our vacation that day. He didn't missed a day hyung. I wish he had a better life. He didn't deserve this. I don't deserve such fragile, wonderful person. I ruined him hyung."** Johnny only hugged Jaehyun as the younger cries.

**"You should visit him today...I'm sure he has been waiting for you."**

Right, he made Doyoung wait again. How much badly could he fuck up? All this time he's blaming Doyoung but in reality he's the one to blame. 

**"I'll drive you there."** Johnny said as he stood up.

Jaehyun wiped his tears, and sat up. **"Can we find some flowers first?"**

\--------------------

Jaehyun stared at Doyoung. He is finally here. 

**"I'm sorry I ruined your beautiful place."** he said as he caress the scratches he made on Doyoung's name. 

**"I'm sorry it took years for me to visit. I dressed up today so that you would be blown away by my handsomeness but I cried a little and got carried away."** He placed the stuffed carrot beside the flowers and candles.

 **"I threw away the baby's breath I ordered. Haha. I bought this doll instead. Remember this? I gave the bunny to you as a present. I secretly won those two at the arcade that time. I saw this carrot on your cabinet. I thought I lost it."** He chuckled. 

**"I always said those two get along so well like us. I hope I'll be with you as well by this doll. I miss you so much hyung."**

**"I was reading your diary...It was really cute at first. I get to know what your childhood was. B-but, you could've told us you know?"** Jaehyun started tearing up again but he decided to smile.

**"I'm so proud of you baby. You were so strong. I hope you're resting well hmm?"**

**"When I first met you, I really think you're cute. Bunny teeth, doe eyes and all. I just knew you're the cutest. You are perfect Doyoung. Perfect specially for me. Not everyone has the same taste. And mind you, I have the best one. I have the most amazing person as my boyfriend."**

**"Did you saw all the things I did? I was being reckless, sleeping with anyone and shit. I feel like you're nagging me there already…...I'm sorry baby."**

**"I have been crying so much love. I must've looked ugly now. But remember what I told you? Crying is just our eyes peeing."** Jaehyun chuckled at himself.

**"Our eyes just needed a break. And it isn't for the weak, its for the strongest ones. Because people who cry are the ones who couldn't express their feelings into words. I get it know, why you've had only cried and couldn't tell us anything."**

**"I'm sorry I made you suffer more…"** Jaehyun stared at Doyoung on their group photo lovingly. 

**"I'm so glad I didn't proposed to you that day. I knew there was something wrong."**

The night on their Jeju vacation, while Jaehyun was expressing his feelings for Doyoung, he noticed the sadness on his boyfriend's eyes. He noticed that there is really something wrong and Doyoung was just lying. He decided that he would save the proposal for later and would focus on his boyfriend instead. They spend the night loving and claiming each other and sleeping on each other's embrace. 

**"I still have it you know, the ring. In case you show up out of no where, I'd go on my knees the second I see you."**

**"I'm not mad on what you did with Johnny. He helped you somehow you know? Him and our friends."**

**"I hope you forgive me Doyoung."** It was the first time for him to say Doyoung's name. The last time was when he was looking for his lover years ago. It has been too long but it still feels the same. The fluttering of his feelings, the butterflies on his stomach, his erratic heart beat. Doyoung still has that effect on him. 

**"By the way, I saw a note with my name on it. Can I read it?"** He shivered when a soft breeze of air hit him. 

_'you're here'_ Jaehyun thought 

**"I'll read it now, okay?"**

Jaehyun opened Doyoung's phone and looked for the note he saw earlier. _To Jaehyun._ He opened the note and felt a fresh batch of tears streaming down his face. _It's a voice record._

**"Baby, you're unfair. Why does it have to be your voice? you know I'm weak with your voice."**

Jaehyun decided to lay down beside Doyoung and close his eyes before playing the message.

_It was silent for the first few seconds and the strong wind and wave is the only thing could be heard_

**_"Hello?"_ **

**_".....uhm hehe"_ ** _D_ _oyoung chuckled_

**_"this is so awkward…"_ **

**_"I'm back at the shore Jae. It's 3am. You're sound asleep. So cute."_ **

**_"I-I feel like if you're listening to this, I-I'm already…..gone.."_ **

**_"why else would you listen to this haha."_ **

**_"Aish, I told myself not to cry while doing this. Stubborn tears. Yah, Jae, Don't you dare cry okay???"_ **

**_"I feel so weak babe. I'm sorry. I did it again all over myself. I should be used to what it felt not but I don't know why It still stings."_ **

**_"I just, Its my fault okay? I cheated. I know, sound insane. Don't be mad please. I just, I was just feeling so alone and I have no one with me, I didn't want to bother you because I know, that you have been wanting that promotion for me. You said it once when you were sleep talking."_ **

**_"My love for you didn't and would not change please remember that. You're forever be my first and last love. But, I'm just tired Jae."_ **

**_"I hope you don't hate me for doing this. I just want to rest….I want everything to stop...these thoughts have been eating me these days. I did nothing but worry and worry at myself. I tried for it to stop. My old friend Taeil is a Psychiatrist and he was very willing to help me for free baby."_ **

**_"I was so over joyed. Finally, everything would be gone now. I would be okay now. But, I had to ask Ten to go shopping with me before this trip"_ **

**_"I know he didn't tell anyone but, he saved me from getting crash by a motorcycle Jae. One of my friends saved my life again."_ **

**_"Ten told me to keep it a secret or else he would be mad at me, so I did. I was so mad at myself Jae. I wasted so many of the life chances given to me. It was like I was being spoon fed with a life machine. All their sacrifices for me but here I am wasting it. I am so done at myself Jae."_ **

**_"Yesterday while you were swimming at the beach Johnny approached me but I rudely talked back to him. Him who gave me one of the many lives given to me. I feel so ashamed and guilty. He did nothing but help be and he gets my shameful treatment as a return? I don't deserve this life."_ **

**_"I love you, more than anything."_ **

**_"You will forever have my heart. I will always be by your side. Guiding you. Achieve all those dreams Jae. I'll watch you and tell everyone in hell that 'Yes that's right, that is my soulmate there y'all' hahaha…….I hope you continue your plans without me….If you're ready, you can find someone. Live again. I would be your bunny guardian angel."_ **

**_"I stole your sweater today Jae. You once told me that this sweater is so hard to wash because its so heavy, it always sinks. I'm proving that today. Haha"_ **

**_"Dons???"_ ** _A gasped from Doyoung could be heard._

**_"Hi yu!"_ **

**_"What are you doing late at night here? Its gonna rain soon."_ ** _from here, the sound are slightly muffled as Doyoung is hiding the phone that is still recording on his legs._

**_"I can't sleep earlier hehe."_ **

**_"Nightmares again?"_ **

**_"Yep!"_ **

**_"Are you okay now?"_ **

**_"of course! why wouldn't I be?"_ **

**_"Dons I'm sorry for earli---"_ **

**_"gosh Yuta stop being a sap. I know, I know, you love me, and I love you too!! Now, do me a favor and please bring my phone back to me and Jaehyun's room. I'm just gonna collect some seashells!"_ **

**_"seashells? at this time?"_ ** _Yuta asked hesitantly._

**_"Yes! for mom? Remember she likes shells? Don't worry about me aigoo. I'm wearing a sweater, I'm not cold. I'll go inside once the rain started falling."_ **

**_"Okay then dons, I'll go back inside...Just..Don't do something okay!!"_ **

**_"What would I do, drink the sea water? tsk tsk here' my phone~ Night yu!!"_ **

**_"Night Do--"_ **

The record reached the last second.

****

Jaehyun smiled, dry lips bleeding. **"Sweet Dreams My love."**

**_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_ **


End file.
